How to build self confidence

For all parents of children with special needs

It’s a frightening statistic, but huge percentages of children with special needs end up with depression or massive self confidence issues.

For children with ADHD it’s particularly high. In fact most children with ADHD will eventually suffer with depression or a similar disorder and many will end up turning to drugs or alcohol as a result.

This terrifies me, as my son has ADHD.

I realize that this must frighten many other parents too, so I decided to write this article on how to build self confidence. So that parents can hopefully help their children to feel better about themselves as they grow up.

Why?

The reason children with special needs are so likely to suffer these horrendous problems with self confidence and depression, is because they spend their childhoods and teenage life constantly feeling not good enough.

They compare themselves to their peers at school, and struggle massively with things that they see their friends and other people doing so easily.

They are often bullied at school. And sadly not always just by other students.

And as parents we get angry with them for things they can’t help.

I’m not trying to make you feel bad. But we all do it. No parent of a child with special needs can tell me that they’ve never got angry with their child for something that they couldn’t control.

We’ve all done it. And that doesn’t make you a bad parent, it just makes you human.

But all these things have a drastic impact on your child’s self confidence.

If you haven’t read it, read the book ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime‘ by Mark Haddon. It helps you understand from the child’s perspective, and it has some really good instances of the parent getting angry and frustrated with their child for things that they couldn’t help. In fact I would recommend all parents of children with any special needs should read it.

When a child has ADHD they can really suffer.

Related Article: The Greatest Book Written About Autism – Ever!

They will find it hard to concentrate at school, which will often result in them falling behind. They will spend their entire school life feeling inadequate.

Both at home and at school, they will be told to be quiet, stop talking and shut up. Because lets face it, many children with ADHD just don’t stop talking, and as the parent it can be really difficult to not tell them to be quiet.

But by telling them constantly to stop talking, they will begin to feel that what they have to say doesn’t matter. This will make them feel worthless.

Again, I’m sorry if this makes you feel bad. I know myself how hard it is to give your undivided attention to a child who talks constantly. Especially when half the time they are saying things that aren’t important or are a bit silly, or just repeating themselves over and over again.

If your child is talking far too much, it means their anxiety and hyperactivity levels are raised. The best thing to do is to change their environment. Alter the lighting, and any background noise and try to offer them a calm environment if possible.

A short meditation can really help to calm them quickly. Click here to read my previous article of meditation for children with special needs.

As well as them being told constantly to stop talking. They are also being told to sit still, calm, down or pay attention.

They spend most their time being criticized. These may be tiny little criticisms that we don’t even realize are criticisms. But over the years they will build up and up, and leave your child feeling worthless.

What can you do about it?

It’s impossible to completely stop critisizing your child. Especially as criticism can be constructive too and that is necessary at certain times. Also, as parents you will have bad days where you are tired and stressed out or it may just be that time of the month. And you will snap at them, or tell them to shut up, or shout at them for something they can’t help.

But, it’s important to completely flip the balance. So, they need to be receiving about 80% praise to 20% criticism.

I know there’s going to be some people out there who will say that you should never criticize your child. But by criticism, I am also including discipline, constructive criticism and even simply showing your disappointment if they’ve behaved badly.

If you have been snapping at them or saying anything that they could take as a criticism that day or week, be sure to reset the balance by giving them lots and lots of praise and positive feedback for the things they do right (no matter how small) to help build their self confidence.

Unfortunately, this sounds a lot easier than it is.

Related Article: Bullying: My Fears as a Special Needs Mom

You know yourself that when you’re run down and you’ve had enough, praising your child and not getting angry with them for things they can’t help or not telling them to be quiet when they won’t stop talking, can be really difficult.

But do your best.

Write a reminder note to yourself on the fridge simply reminding yourself to stick as much as possible to the 80% praise to 20% criticism rule.

Also, put a little notepad and pen next to your bed, then each night when you go to bed, write down truthfully, what your percentage of praise to criticism have been for that day.

If it’s over 80% praise then give yourself a pat on the back. If it’s under, then try harder the next day.

It’s important to write it down, so that as the weeks and months go by you can see exactly how well you are doing overall and how your child’s self confidence will be improving as you offer more praise.